my heart overfloweth:

so my son and i are laying in the bed watching i carly - this is the conversation:

Jacob: so how has your day been
me: it has been good
Jacob: mine has been good too, but it has the best bc i was with my family
me: do you really love your family?
Jacob: yes, i only God more well i love yall equally
me: no you should always love God more than your family, God first, family second and job third
Jacob: so if they were going to kill you - you would want me to choose God instead of you
me: yes that is what i would want
Jacob: wow...i did not know you loved me that much

Then he gave me a big ole hug like none other...maybe i have done something right....

this is not what i signed up for....

do you ever wonder how you got to the place you are in your life? well i am so in that place right now...i am the person who believes you reap what you sow...therefore, i want to know what i did that was so bad that i am having to hurt like this everyday of my life...i know i have said before that i hurt but i don't think people understand...there is not a place on my body from my shoulders down that does not hurt...we are not talking a little discomfort i mean excruciating pain...i have so many gi issues that it is rediculous...my stomach is in knots and hurting...everything i eat comes right back up, along with bile and all kinds of other junk...it is to the point that i have been referred to a pain clinic....i am scared of a pain clinic....i am afraid of pain clinics...i am afraid i will get addiceted to the meds...my back hurts so bad everyday that the pain is nauseating at times...i am getting weary...i am tired...i don't know how much of this i can take...all i want to do is go back to work...is that too much to ask? anybody got any suggestions...

a sad day

my precious grandmother died monday at the age of 88 after a very courageous battle with congestive heart failure, a heart attack and kidney failure...it has been a rough week...i found out monday 15 minutes before i was to have surgery that she had died...i have spent the last week in the hospital and was not able to be with the family as they gathered around her bed to say their last goodbyes...i was discharged from the hospital just in time to make it for the viewing last night...it was tough...just as always you see family that you have not seen in several years...it is just a shame that it is at sad events such as these is the only time that we see family...it was definately a celebration of her life...so many memories...the holidays are going to be hard but we will get through them...when i am up to it i will share some of the great memories....

insurance nightmares

I have never in my life been more frustrated as I am right now. Let me preface this post with the fact that my husband works for Blue Cross and they are giving me a headache. As many of you know, my health has deteriorated over the past several months. I resigned from my job in March; therefore, I dropped my insurance with them. I had been covered through my insurance and my husband's insurance. When I dropped my insurance, his policy was my primary. BlueCross sent him a form to fill out and fax back in to make his policy primary. So he did. Well I start getting all these bills - one in the amount of $25k. We begin investigating and find out there was a "data entry error". The employee at Blue Cross put that it was primary as of 7-01-10 instead of 4-01-10. So my husband gets with HR and they correct the situation. I get on the phone with all these creditors asking them to refile their claims because there had been an error on Blue Cross' part. They did. Well today, I get numerous phone calls that Blue Cross has rejected their refile. I am now being told that we did not complete the forms in a "timely manner" so we are responsible for any medical bills from April 1 to July 1. Please tell me how I am supposed to pay approximately $35,000 worth of medical bills. Did I mention that I am not working? I don't know what to do. I have cried. I have gotten ugly with people on the phone. My husband is still working on it with HR, but I know what the end result will be - I am responsible for the payments. What do I do? Any suggestions would be nice!

Saturday Ramblings

well today has been an interesting day...i woke up this morning feeling like the race cars out at the track were running in my head...my back was so stiff it was hard to move...stephen had to help me out of bed...we cooked a late breakfast - smoked sausage, scrambled eggs and toast...all protein for me...my doctor would be proud...jut got an unexpected phone call from an old friend...i have not talked to her in almost 5 years...it made my night....i love old friends...she is so encouraging and positive and loving...spent some time with my momma and sister today...set a date to go to another friend's house to see her house decorated for Christmas...she is amazing...momma is going with me...bought some seasonal candles today....sunflower, harvest berry and pumpkin spice....they smell so good...i know this is a bunch of rambling but this is just what happened today...hope you have a great rest of the weekend....:)

Trying Thursday versus Thankful Thursday

Today has been a very stressful day. So I have been in a pretty ill mood. Let me tell you some of the things I have had to deal with today.

1. Met with the attorney's office about my SS disability - humiliating.
2. It is race weekend here, which means 200,000, people have invaded my quiet little town.
3. I have fought University Blvd. in Birmingham. At one point I wanted to get out of my car, pull someone from Chilton County out of their car and punch them in the face. I usually don't get road rage, but they were just being morons.
4. I have one car in the body shop because my daughter ran it under an Expedition. Tonight my husband call me on the way home to tell me the "check engine" light has come on in the other care and it is trying to "cut off."
5. A friend got killed last night trying to help someone in need.

Okay, so you see today has not been that great. But it is Thankful Thursday, and I am going to find some things to be thankful for.

1. Race weekend only comes twice a year.
2. I do not have to drive in downtown Birmingham everyday.
3. I have some money set aside to fix both cars. I will not have to borrow any money.
4. Our friend that was killed willl always be remembered that he gave his life trying to help someone else.
5. I have two awesome kids.
6. My daughter has really picked up the slack in housework that I am not able to do.
7. The beautiful fall colors.
8. My husband - he hasn't strangled me yet.
9. My parents and my sister. They are so helpful to me, and they love me.
10. Homemade cornbread - don't ask - it is just plain good.

It is always so easy to be negative....I am trying hard to find some positives and graditude.