Ok so most of you know that I am as hard headed as they come. Most of the time people will tell me I can't do something just because they know it will make me do it. For example, my dad told me in high school that I would never finish college. Ok so it took my 8 years but I finished. The latest is that I have no will power - yes still from ever encouraging father. What he is referring to is my health and the fact that I have lost almost 40 pounds. I have no intention of gaining this weight back, but I think his malfunction is that we went on 1.5 mile walk and I have been barely able to move since. He thinks I have given up. Just wait til tomorrow Pops! Anyway, back to my sign.
I am that person who has to be hit over the head in order for something to get through to me. Cause you know I have it all planned out in my retarded brain. Well as many of you know I have had some pretty significant health problems. Now this is all left to your judgement. Here is the roll call of problems - ketoacidosis made me unconscious for a while...stayed in SICU for several days...major GI bleed...about 3 units I lost...stomach just not working right...that is just the nicest way to save all the gory details. I am to go back to work on the 19th. This is yet to be placed in stone you see because Ginny is finally learning to listen to the docs but more importantly listen to that small voice of God.
I have been "reading" a book by the wonderful Beth Moore called "Breaking Free". I went to see her last February and will go see her in December when she and other great women grace Birmingham with their presence. Ok so I digress. So last night I pick up the book and I am a good 100 pages into it and that voice says to me, "You are reading this book...you are not studying it." Now for those of you who are familiar with Beth Moore you know she can smack you some book chapter and verse in a minute. So I said, "ok...we will break out the notebook and start studying like we were in college."
So I start over. Guess what the first chapter was about. Pride. Do you hear me? PRIDE. And I am not talking about a group of lions. I am very independent and really don't want or need anyone's help cause you know I am a social worker and I can save the world. Do you hear the sarcasm? My pride issue here lately is that I feel defeated and don't feel like this is my time to be healed in time to go back to work. Ok there I said it.
I do have short and long term disability through my work which we are trying to get started. But what about the big one - the disability from the government? Ok this is where I am more than humiliated. That is for people who can't make their own decisions, or people who are worse off than me. Please do not send me hate mail about this. These are just the thoughts that go through this brain that occupies my head.
I have never been so sick in my life. I certainly have never lost almost 40 pounds in a month. Help me understand where I am and what I should do! I am trying to listen to God but this dern PRIDE and my stubborness is getting in the way. I know that Pride is my sin. I have known this for years. Please some of you stronger Christians out there help a sister out! I love you all. I am being very brave to post this out for God and everyone to see, but I am really struggling. Hugs to all and to all a good night.
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